I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Mom said you looked used
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
