ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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