Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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