I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
