dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
two words: eviction party
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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