So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
