seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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