If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
