You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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