I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
