I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
