my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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