Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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