my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
