Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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