I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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