Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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