Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
