tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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