oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
