New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Is Oprah even human
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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