Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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