what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
