I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
