I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I need water and some morals
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
