I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
