I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
