There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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