Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
