I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
