I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
