my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
