got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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