He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
