I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
