I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
