Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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