His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
