Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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