i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
