can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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