Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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