her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
