he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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