You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
smell my finger.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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