Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I CAN MOONWALK!
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
