I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
