she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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