At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
