I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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