I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
