the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
