I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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